It’s been a month and a half since I left. Hounded by dozens of reasons why I did, I don’t deny that one of them is to stay away from you.
Giving up my job is the only way I see to forcefully distance away from you. I can’t help myself, I can’t. I have given myself one year to see if I could peacefully move on from the heartbreak and guilt, and I was wrong. Things haven’t gotten better as I expected. I have to keep myself sane, distress, and stop nagging you.
It was just the last option I had to make – I had to go. For professionalism and everyone’s sake.
Because you’re fine. You’re happy. And several times – in words and actions towards me – you have clearly shown that I’m no part of it, even if I insist to still be part of your life. You don’t see me like you used to. You don’t want me and you don’t need me. You don’t love me. I just have to deal with that. Sometimes I wish you’d just say it straight to my face how you hate me or disgusted you are with me. When it comes to rejection, actions hurt a lot awful more than words.
I just…had to apologize to her. And I did. I just really said I’m sorry, for being delusional, selfish, insensitive. That all I wanted was to admit my mistakes, and would understand if she chose not to forgive. It was surprising and so nice of her that she replied, but I was more surprised of the things she said – that she’s not still really okay, or things are not really okay between you and her anymore. It pains me when she said it’s really over for her when you told her you loved me and how you expressed it, and now that she’s just staying for your daughter’s sake; that even if you told me a lot about her, you still don’t know her; that the family issue is not enough reason to cheat on her; that she can see you trying to put things back the way it used to be and she’s trying, too, but she can’t.
I don’t know how to respond, so I chose not to. I would like to tell her a lot of things, that maybe, you and her can try again. However, I realized that maybe I’m not really the best person to give an advice; I remember how I used to give unsolicited opinions to you before and look where it has gotten all of us.
I wish I could tell you these, but maybe it’s best if I would just keep silent and let you figure things on your own. Whatever your problems are, I should keep out of it because it’s more probable that I’d add to the mess and make things worse if I try to help.
I pray that we all find the peace of mind and forgiveness that we are all asking for. I’d still be jealous and feel the pain. I still get bad dreams and cry. But I’ll be fine, only time can tell. I have to grow up.
I’m so sorry for ruining your family.
Thank you for giving me a nice time the last time I was with you. You’re a very sincere and good person, your daughter is blessed to be her dad.