Munting Tinig

Emotions…taking me over.

muntingtinig — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 14:25:38 +0000

It was kind of hopeless, actually.

I wasn’t expecting anymore. I thought I was fine. Was.

Until I finally felt it, too.

I told you already before. This is the reality.

So now we’ve come to this part – the part where I am now experiencing the pain that I myself had warned about.

Silly me.

And finally, you agreed.

I shouldn’t have really let it get this far. But you were just – someone I don’t want to go away.

You’re not just some kind of guy. You are my best friend. That’s what making the pain worse.

Most if not all of my thoughts that I keep myself from letting it out.

I wonder if I’m really doing the ‘right’ thing.

It’s not the same. Though I can see you seem to try to be the same. But not me.

How do you expect me to act after everything that has happened, really?

We’ve been doing things like we’re ‘already there’, if not almost. Just a little more step, until we agreed that we definitely shouldn’t go further.

Or maybe, not now.

My thoughts and emotions are like mixed baking soda and vinegar inside a bottle sealed with a cork.

Nope. I’m not capable of thinking straight right now. My guards are down.

I hate doing nothing. I find it hard to compose myself.

It’s like, you left me hanging when I was already there. What is odd is that, I agreed to be left hanging.

Honestly, I was pissed last Monday evening. If you just sensed the tone in my text message, that was a factor that pushed me to instantly ‘change’ my ways the next day. It was the first day of my period, so, yeah, me = irritated much.

Please, I hope that what I’ve decided to do will be for the best. Though I’m feeling miserable already.

I’m not okay. I’m counting days since the last time we talked in the most casual way. I’m counting the nights since tears have been falling because of several reasons.

I don’t know how to feel – should I be angry with you? But why should I, you’ve done more than enough for me. Or maybe with myself, for allowing this to happen?

These words are my emotions made into writing of what I’m feeling for a few minutes (if I’m lucky, sometimes it lasts longer), like right now.

I’m worse than confused. And I just had to deal with it.

I’m scared of things I am unsure of. In short, my anxiety is killing me. Unfortunately, I’m not dying from it.

As much as I wanted to keep things the same between us like before, I don’t find it easy to do so. I’m struggling, you know.

Why the hell did I even write that resolution anyway?

But I’m already here, at this point where your actions have brought me to. It is why I’m hurting this much.

If I took the “other” direction

muntingtinig — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 19:02:56 +0000

So since you’ve been very present in my thoughts in the past few days (probably because I am entertaining you to be in my head), it got me thinking again – what if I decided to follow my “heart” rather than what my “brain” has been telling me to do?
Facts first – last year: We officially broke up in March, yet you gave me mixed signals by April until June, and during those times I was still in a state of pure vulnerability, or should I say, gullibility. There was some sort of reconciliation (yes, I forgave you just about a month after we finally decided to end it; me, thinking everything was okay and it’s best we remain friends) and quite honestly, I did felt happy that we were able to sort some things out, but I was wrong.
Here comes May, after being excommunicated for about two months, now you initiated the call, insisting you want us to talk. I got my hopes up thinking you were coming back just in time perhaps for our third anniversary, but only to find out she was already carrying your baby in her womb. How devastating, and stupid of me to still make myself believe that “everything will be alright ” and things will fall into place the way I’d like them to be.
Muttering the guts to finally end the nightmare as early as possible, I stated that we should NOT see each other anymore especially that you and her are still officially together. Patching things up while you are attached to someone else is not really good, and I do not want to extend the drama further. The second heartbreak was so bad it has totally affected my school activities.

Back to the present.

By next week it’ll be our relationship’s death anniversary, if I am not mistaken of the exact date. So far, so good. In just about three weeks, I shall be marching on the school stage wearing that toga I have long waited for.
And it got me thinking, what if I decided to give our ‘relationship’ another chance during that time of the most serious dilemmas? What if I had given up my virginity and believed you that it will be “the only way” so we will not be separated from each other? Would you choose me over her if I said ‘Yes’ for the second time around even if she’s already preggy with that child of yours and possibly I am carrying another one in my tummy, too? Would you have REALLY CHANGED? WOULD I BE HAPPY AS I AM NOW?
The pain brought by the second heartbreak was indeed terrible. Well, it was my fault, too. But I think the heartache would become more unbearable if I had let my feelings further dictate on what decisions should I have made. If I had “stayed”, if I had refused to wake up from the horrible nightmare, I don’t think I’d be sitting here in front of my laptop while typing this personal article right now.
If I had taken the other path I also wanted to go, I would not have been able to join our school’s official student publication – my very dream before I bid my college days goodbye. If I was confirmed to be pregnant, my parents would stop sending me to school, my thesis mates would probably hate me for leaving them all the work, and the gossipers would be very happy to have a juicy story to tell everyone and I would be the subject of it. I shall miss traveling from one place to another without worrying about motherhood responsibilities. Damn, I can’t imagine not finishing my studies nor disappointing my parents after all their years of care and hard work.

Yes, I had to let go of some things so I can move on with my life. It hurts, but that’s the way it is. If time will permit that he and I shall meet again (though I seriously doubt that), then let it happen. Or most probably I will be seeing someone new in the near future
Got to go – always tell yourself this when you know you have to let go and move on though it tears your heart apart. You have got to go, you’ve got to grow up.

Wow.

muntingtinig — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 10:59:15 +0000

Just WOW.

Your son perfectly resembles you. Especially his eyes and his nose.
And I seem to enjoy staring at it, probably because I see you in him. It’s like you when you were still a baby, and I get to see how you look like when you were only a few days old.

Cool.

Even though I’m not her biological mother, (though a part of me wished I am, but that’s beyond the allowed point of stupidity, so never mind ) your first born just makes me smile.

Oh the wonder of life.

ps: And the fact that I’m not really his mother kinda hurts me a little, but that’s okay. I’m happy that at least I get to know what’s up on you once in a while.

Wille’s such an @$$4013 :))

muntingtinig — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:15:02 +0000

Dear Willie Revillame,

You’ve really got an attitude problem I believe you need to go to a shrink.

This is is just the reason why there are people like me who doesn’t like you, especially seeing you on national TV. You lack ETHICS, especially in the business department.

You give money to the poor. Cool. And you HUMILIATE your peers and colleagues and even ‘friends’ on live TV. I wonder pano nila nasisikmura yon. Oh fine, dahil masaya kasi sa show ‘mo’.

The masses ‘adore’ you for being good at sales talk and sympathizing with the ‘poor’ and the ‘needy’. Here’s the deal dude: Even if it’s like you have a fountain of money that you share with those around you, you are never gonna earn my respect, not someone like you who’s got a mouth who flatters himself too much and humiliates those he has bad feelings for like some stupid animal.

And people especially in the studio who ‘always agree’ with him with whatever he says – damn it people. The saying ‘Magpakotoo ka’ doesn’t always mean you have to take it sooo literally. And kung maka “Ooooh” naman kayo only adds up to his ego. You’re creating a larger monster in that person.

The way he ‘praises’ his boss right now, the company he works for (TV5) is how exactly he says such beautiful things about his former employer. And now he does the extreme opposite.

Dear MTRCB: Hindi ba ito saklaw ng inyong responsibilidad? Business ethics and professionalism of those being seen on the idiot box?

You do good deeds, and show bad acts. Oh come on. How could you be so contradicting?

Piece of shit.

Note to self

muntingtinig — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 17:04:46 +0000

You have wasted way too much time. You have been on procrastination mode for several months, and the results were indeed horrible.
Don’t let this be a reason to stop you from graduating this coming April.
Come on. Get back to your old self. You used to be a very organized person.
Forget the heartache. Make no excuses. You have to do all these tasks. And you know you can if only you really make an effort to do so.
One week and it’s your midterms exam week once again. Cramming should be avoided at all cost. You’ve already risked your health too much during your thesis days.
Let’s go. God insists you do your part.
You’re already out of the box of depression. He’s not an issue anymore. You just don’t care at all, probably because you believe it’s been at this same point last year where things have really been the worst moments of your life and you thought it would never end.
You gained weight and you knew that, though the head ache is somehow still there.
Move. Work. And you’ll reap the sweet fruit of success.

Let’s go!

I let go because…

muntingtinig — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 17:09:30 +0000

It’s not gonna work if I agreed how you wanted things to happen.

Yes, there could have been another chance for us..

but I am not going that far.

It could have been still us

I’d still call you mine

We’d still go out together

But it would be more dangerous and secretive

because you are ‘officially‘ hers.

What?

Me, to be your secret girl?

That I shall not allow to happen.

So I decided to go.

If pride is the only thing that could save me

Then let my pride eat me for the moment

To stop this heart for yearning to accept your devilish offer

of being a mistress.

It’s very tempting, you know

Because I just can’t let you go

You came back, and it’s one of the million things I had wished for to happen

But this is just simply WRONG

And I dare not make it worse.

So with all the courage left within myself

The mistakes are enough

Lies can’t save this anymore

The complications are too much

The consequences that await us, I want to meet them no more

I wasn’t done yet in putting the pieces of my life back when you first shattered it

Then you attacked again

This woman has loved you so much

And has learned too much

Of how much pain you could give her more than the love she deserves

So now, I am left with a more damaged heart

And with a clear conscience.

I hurt every time the truth pops into my mind

That you and her are together

But it would hurt even more

Had I decided to still pick the wrong path of so-called love.

I’ll be okay.

I hope I get to forgive you someday

When we cross paths again

If ever we really do meet again.

I guess it’s time to move on now, without the fear of how it might end.
- Lady Antebellum

It’s been more than half a year

muntingtinig — Sun, 24 Oct 2010 04:54:13 +0000

And I saw you again the other day.

No, I didn’t go there to see you. You used to be the reason for my visit, but not anymore.

Anyway, I thank you for introducing me to those people I learn to love.

And just like what I said before: if ever we meet again, I’d do my best to ignore you instead of being a drama queen who deserves a Best Actress award.

I did.

You were surprised to see me when you arrived from work – me, sitting by the dining area. Just like your usual happy self, you chuckled. Can’t believe you’d still see me, perhaps.

You got in through the back door, asking me how am I. You offered your hand, and I refused.

You tried to reach my hand, yearning to pull mine, and I was forced to give you an intense stare – of hatred and pain. The more you try to touch me, the more my anger starts to burn within. I pulled back, good thing you realize I’m not kidding with you anymore.

“Kahit kailan talaga kapal ng mukha mo“, or something like that, was all you heard from me. Of course, just like I expected, you would give up. Hah.

And it all happened in front of your cousins.

I don’t want to project the image of a bitch, I respect your tita’s house, so I try to hold the rage inside me as much as I could. I miss them. I miss the kids. And even though you have introduced to them your young mother-to-be-of-your-child, somehow I felt glad I’m sort of still welcome to be at their little home, though it was awkward, too.

I only stayed for half an hour since it was also already late. Besides, I already have the feeling that your girl will pick a fight once she learned I was here. I don’t mean for that to happen. Kung hindi lang ako napamahal sa mga tita at pinsan mo, at kung sana, ganun kadali ko lang sila kakalimutan, maybe things would be more simple. Iba pa yung sakit na pilit kitang kinakalimutan at yung sila ang kakalimutan ko.. I even have the plan that before the year ends, maybe, I’d talk to your tita and bid them goodbye – that I wouldn’t be visiting them anymore. How I will tell them is one of my dilemmas right now.

I had to go. We didn’t talk aside from that short rude sentence I was forced to say.

That’s it.

Now they knew, why I refused na makipagbalikan sayo noon. I knew long before that you are becoming a father soon – and it took time bago ko mapatakbo sa ayos ang utak ko at kontrolin ang puso. Now they knew – the reason why I have become so cold to you.

So don’t act like you’re confused why I am being like this now. I made my choice, it sure did hurt a lot until now, but I am not giving up my dreams just because you are not satisfied with my love. I am not trading my parents’ sacrifice of sending me to school for your hunger of lust and impatience. I am not a person worthy of betrayal and dishonesty. I DO NOT DESERVE YOUR LIES.

Go defend yourself to the people around by twisting the story. Kiss and tell whatever moments we had. I have my side of this once-upon-fairy tale, from my point of view, and there’s no sense if I would contradict what you will tell them.

If they would ask me, I’d just keep my lips shut and smile.

Goodluck on having your family. Thank you for the broken heart.

Dear gf ni ex-bf na naka-chat ko kanina lang : r o l l :

muntingtinig — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 14:40:32 +0000

Hindi ka na pala pumapasok sa school nyo. Nahalata na ng classmates mo. Maselan ka kamo. Pero kaya mo yan. Ikaw pa.

Kaya lang bakit ginugulo mo pa rin ako?

Tanong ka ng tanong kung kamusta ako. Sagot ko ‘aus lang’. Eh kasi okay naman ako. Tanong mo bakit. Sagot ko ‘wala lang’. eh ganun naman talaga ang sagot kadalasan di ba? With matching ‘haha’. Maka-haha kasi ako sa chat. Tanong ka bakit ang saya ko. Wala lang. Masama ba maging masaya? Paulit-ulit. Yun ang tanong mo.

Naramdaman mo kasi na masaya na talaga ako.

Nagsasama na kamo kayo. Okay.

Kasi ayaw mo xa mawala. Okay. (Teka, sayong-sayo na nga diba?)

Hindi ko alam bakit kailangan mo pa sabihin sakin yung mga yun.

Pagselosin mo na ko. Ipagkalat nyo na nagpaloko ako. Nakadagdag sa pagkalalaki niya ang pagkabuntis sayo habang binabalikan ako. Patunay na may nagpapaloko sa isang katulad niya. Pero tapos na kasi ako sa stage ng pagpapakatanga at umaasa. Pero mukang hindi ka masaya.

Throughout our conversation, gusto mong lumabas na lalo akong mainis. Gusto mo akong magselos at magalit. Sabi mo pa, madaya ako. Dahil ano? Hindi ka na nakakapasok sa eskwela dahil sa pagbubuntis mo ng maaga at ako ay balik sa normal kong buhay? Na naramdaman mong wala na talaga akong pakialam sa inyo?

Pero hindi eh.

Hindi talaga.

Kasi umayaw na ako.

Kung totoo man na si ex-bf nga ang nagsabing pinerahan nya ko at nakuha ang ‘half’ ng pagkababae ko (napatawa ako dun pramis) at hindi mo lang gawa-gawang kwento, okay. Sige. Kung hindi lang daw kamo kami long-distance ang relasyon, matagal na daw niya ako nakuha.

Ay sorry. Kaya ko kasi kontrolin ang sarili ko. Hindi tuloy nafulfill yung pagkalalaki niya. Kaya siguro sayo siya bumaling.

Nasayo ang kailangan niya. Malapit, nalalapitan, legal sa pamilya, bata pa, maputi. Maganda. At nakuha ang hindi niya nakuha sa akin.

Tanggap ko na wala na kami. Tanggap ko na wala sa vocabulary niya ang salitang respeto at pagtupad sa pangako. Tanggap ko na niloko nya ako at nagpaloko naman ako. Tanggap ko na walang patutunguhan ang relasyon kung sakaling magkabalikan kami dahil malinaw kong nakikita na wala namang magbabago. Nag-ubos ako ng luha. Umasa. Nagpakatanga. Napagtantong sobra na. At kusa ng bumitaw at umayaw. Hindi ko na nga siya tinatanong sayo, sa kapatid niya, or sa mga tita nya. Hindi ko na nga tinitignan ang profile mo kung ano ng balita eh. Kung dati araw kong chini-check, ngayon hindi na. Wala lang.

Hindi ako nagsisi na naging kami. Ni hindi ko siya nasampal. Hindi ko siya siniraan sa mga tita nya. Naglalabas ako ng sama ng loob sa mga kaibigan ko pero sa mga usapan namin, nababanggit ko pa rin ng natural yung mga bagay na nagawa niya para sa akin nung kami pa. Mahalaga sakin ang mga alaalang nagkaroon kami. Masaya ako doon. Pero kahit anong pagpapaselos ang gawin nyo sakin ngayon, pasensya ka na, tapos na kasi ang panahon ng pagluluksa ko.

Pasensya na, hindi ako napikon kanina. Kaya wag ka na magtaka kung bakit natatawa lang ako.

Kung ano man mga sinabi niya sayo at ginagatungan mo pa, ipagkalat nyo pa. Ngingiti na lang ako. Inaaliw nyo kasi ako, pero hindi naman kasi ako yung nagmumukang tanga.

Signs. Coincidence.

muntingtinig — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 13:09:08 +0000

Ang daming taong humihiling na bigyan sila ng signs or may mangyaring kakaiba re: sa taong special sa kanila.

Hindi naman ako humihingi.

Pero bakit binigay sakin?

Just last night, habang nag-aadik ako sa Facebook, I saw his face. Ya know, seeing such promotions on the right side of the page like Recommended Pages, People you may know, ads, and others.

It was my first time to know na meron palang “Tag a friend” na lumalabas sa gilid. And there was his face. And I was like WTF.

Sa dinami-dami ng albums at photos ko, yun pa talaga yung lalabas? His solo picture, with his face highlighted and Facebook asking me “Whose face is this?” ?!

Parang gusto ko ilagay, ‘yung tarantadong sinaktan ako ng sobra sa kabila ng lahat ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya’.

I only uploaded that photo for a friend of his to see. And it was uploaded a few months back.

Then, just today…

Actually, I have no classes today. I just really had to go to school to take a special exam. 10AM was the time my professor and I agreed upon, but I woke up late. I reached Dasma by 11.

I was seated in front of the van beside the driver. During the trip I was thinking of him, and I really hate him.

Biglang may pumara sa SM terminal. My mind was still busy wandering somewhere else.

I turned my head a little to the right. F*ck. Isn’t that his motorcycle (with sidecar) parked there?!

Nag-init ang dugo ang dugo at palad ko. Gusto kong bumaba at hanapin ang gusto kong hanapin. At sampalin.

So, nagbyahe pala sila dito.

And I’m 100% sure na sa kanila yun. though I’m only 90% sure na siya nga ang nagdrive.

Damn.

Lingon dito. Lingon dun. Nasaan ang driver?!

But the van had to go, I didn’t see anyone.

Pero I still have my chance since iikot yung van pabalik. My shortcut kasi papuntang school.

So I got my eyes readied to spot the people I was looking for, even just for a few seconds.

The moment we passed by the terminal again, someone was seated sa bangketa near the motorcycle, though nakatalikod siya. But I got the hunch it was him. Even if he was a few meters away from me.

Kung hindi lang talaga ako nagmamadali kanina, sigurado akong bababa ako ng sasakyan.

Wala akong pakialam. Basta gusto ko siyang sampalin. Kahit may makakita. Basta.

Pero hindi yun nangyari dahil mas inisip ko ang exam na kailangan kong makuha sa prof ko.

I treated myself sa KFC para nalang medyo humupa yung galit ko. But on my way home, biglang may nagtext. Kapitbahay nila.

“binyag ni baby this Sunday. Punta ka”.

I swore hindi na ako babalik sa lugar na yon. Sa kanila, na natutunan kong puntahan mag-isa kahit malayo at ilang sakay bago ko marating. Maraming alaala sa lugar na iyon, magaganda at masasakit.

Pero pag nagrerequest kasi ang mga kamag-anak niya or kapitbahay nilang iyon, nahihiya akong tumanggi. They were very nice to me. Hindi pa rin ako nagrereply sa text. Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko.

These things. I hate it that they are happening.

Though lalo akong naniniwala na lahat ng bagay eh hindi kayang ipaliwanag ng siyensiya. Wonderful, isn’t it?

Dear new GF of ex-BF:

muntingtinig — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 14:19:38 +0000

Tell him to stay away from me kung wala naman xang idudulot na maganda pa sakin kundi saktan ako. Stop being a jerk. Wala na siyang ginawa kundi i-take for granted ako, disrespect, humiliate, and lie to me. As long as he is ‘satisfied’, kukunin niya ang kaya niyang kunin sakin. Being in an almost 3-year relationship is no joke, only to end because of a third party, so don’t expect me to feel okay just in a short time after everything that has happened. I have been a responsible girlfriend to my first boyfriend despite our differences and the hindrances to our relationship, and I endured all the pain that has come with it. Aminado akong wala ako physically when he needs me, and vice versa. I’m not perfect and neither is he. But I did try my best to make up for my short-comings. A couple of times pumunta ako ng Taytay MAG-ISA, kahit hindi ko pa kabisado. As long as time permits me and may pamasahe ako, kahit hindi na ko makakain.

I’d say nothing much has changed. Ganun pa din siya. Kung lagi mo siyang kasama during the time na nagkausap kami, I bet babaliktad lang din naman lahat ng sasabihin niya. Ang hirap makipag-argumento sa taong hindi mo na alam kung nagsasabi ng totoo or only for his own benefit. Asal binatang sinungaling ang gago.

If he doesn’t know how to value a girl, then wag na xa mag-girlfriend. Kahit dinaan niya na ko sa iyak at paluhod-luhod niya noond nakipagbalikan siya, kahit sa harap ng tita at mga pinsan niya, di non matatawaran yung sakit na binigay niya sakin for several months.

Hindi ko rin siya maintindihan dahil hindi ko na rin mapaniwala ang sarili ko sa mga sinasabi niya. Wag xang mag-asal inosente at mag-paawa, siya ba naawa sakin o kahit sayo man lang na akala natin eh nagpakatino na siya? Harhar.

He should take care of you. Mas sensitive ka ngayon. Magpakaayos siyang tumarantado sakin. Hindi ako gaganti. Bahala na ang nasa itaas sa kanya. At wag niyang magamit-gamit ang pangalan ng nasa Itaas sa mga pambobola niya tarantado siya.

And since pumayag ka namang may mangyari sa inyo, panagutan niyo na lang yan. Kahit na anong age mo pa lang, ginusto mo rin naman.

Minahal ko siya sa paraang alam ko. Pero sinayang niya ko. At di maibabalik lang ng sorry niya ang dating meron kami. Wag na siyang gago. Oo, mabait na siya. Marami na siya tinulungan. Pero wag niya kong masisisi sa mga sinasabi ko ngayon. Lahat ng sinasabi ko epekto ng ginawa niya saking pinagmuka akong tanga na pwede na patayuan ng monumento jan sa Floodway. Yung effort at oras na ginugol ko para lang magkaayos kami since December, wala sa kalingkingan non yung effort na pinakita niya nung nakipagbalikan siya.

Paki-translate na lang ng English ha? Baka magreklamo hindi niya maintindihan. Sorry sa nobela. Sobrang dami kong sinulat malabas ko lang lahat ng sama ng loob ko, o eto. summary. Saksak nia sa lalamunan niya lahat ng galit ko. Nawawalan ako ng modo sa ginawa niya sakin. Kung di lang ako nag-aral sa Catholic school, baka sobrang panggagago gawin ko.